Posted May 6, 2011

One overcast day in May, three intrepid members of the Experience Mad Team set out on a mission - their task, check out Indoor Skydiving at Airkix in Milton Keynes and report back. We didn't need to worry about the weather though, with indoor skydiving you are protected from the elements. The only thing to worry about is the wind of course, without which this would simply be Indoor Laying On The Floor.

We arrived at reception and were confronted with the first part of our experience, registration. We lined up at the keyboards and raced each other to complete the disclaimer. I was last. It wasn't a good start. Sticky keyboard.

Then we were shown to the briefing room and told to wait for Instructor Ted. Would he be Little Ted or Big Ted we wondered. Our questions were soon answered. Ted swooped into the room in his unfeasibly tight jump suit and the two girls in our party audibly gulped. While I watched the screen intently trying to pick up vital skydiving tips and wondering how Ted got into that jumpsuit, the two girls were wondering how to get him out of it!

After the video Ted went over the main points again. Hips forward to go down (a bead of sweat rolled down the girls' brows), hips back to go up. Small movements and chin up were the other main tips for stability and control. We were familiarised with a few hand signals Ted may use in the tunnel and then it was time to get our kit on.

Once fully attired in our jump suits, helmets and goggles and with ear plugs firmly in place there was time for a short photo session and some chatting at very high volume. The ear plugs were working. Then it was up to the tunnel.

Michelle was first. A veteran indoor skydiver with one session in Canada during her honeymoon already under her belt, she was confident. She put her arms to her chest, leant forward and she was in! Ted held her firmly at first while she rediscovered her skills and it wasn't long before she was laughing and flopping all over the place while her hair tried to escape through the holes in her helmet. Her first one minute session soon came to an end and Steph was next. We had high hopes for Steph being the youngest and most sporty but could she concentrate with Skin Tight Ted so close. She boldly focused on the task in hand and after just 30 seconds of Ted's guidance she was getting the hang of it.

Next came Alex. In he went like a dose of salts. After a few seconds Ted started making a strange signal we hadn't seen in training. Those outside the tunnel got it instantly - "breathe Alex breathe" we all shouted as he started turning blue but it was no good, he couldn't hear us with wind whistling past at 120mph. Luckily Ted eventually got the message through and Alex was able to focus again on pushing his hips forward and keeping his chin up.

Then came my turn. Following the others had given me the chance to study differing techniques, but it didn't make any difference. When that wind hits you it suddenly becomes clear how tricky this really is. The slightest movement has you turning and wobbling. "Straighten your legs" signalled Ted so I did and hey presto, stability......for a couple of seconds. But it was encouraging. Back in position I kept my legs straight, slightly apart, kept my palms flat and began to feel like it was coming together, but all too soon my first session was over.

Our second session was to be more adventurous. For a small extra fee you can go to the top of the tunnel with Ted - naturally, we gave the thumbs up and, again, Michelle stepped into the tunnel. After a few seconds consolidating what she'd learnt, Ted grabbed hold of her and the two of them began turning and rising. Then suddenly they were gone from sight. We stood up and pressed our faces to the glass. Wow, there they were, right at the top. Then in a second they were back, then gone again, then back. Out she came whooping and clapping like a demented Sea Lion. She'd had a good time!

Steph was next. Having grasped it very quickly she went on to do controlled turns and other impressive manoeuvres before Ted took hold of her and took her to heaven. After a few seconds we began to wonder where they'd got to but they soon reappeared, then disappeared again. Outside the tunnel we wondered what Steph and Ted had got up at 40 feet, or if it was even possible to get up to anything. She later denied everything (despite her best efforts).

In Alex's second session things went much better. He breathed, pushed his hips forward and kept his chin up. It was a result. He was flying.

My second session also went much better. After I'd stopped pulling silly faces at the viewing platform I found myself away from Ted's guiding hands and seemingly under control. With my new found confidence I attempted to move myself around the tunnel. It was a mistake. Seconds later and I was floundering around like a beached whale. It was undignified, but it was fun. Then came the ride to the top of the tunnel. For anyone questioning the extra fee, all I can say is do it! It's an amazing feeling and stokes up your desire to master this bizarre sport.

We were then offered an extra go for another extra fee. Of course, we'd all caught the bug by then so it was a no brainer. Yes, we shouted in unison and off we went again.

The grand finale was a chance for Ted to show us how it should be done. It was like watching a Jamiroquai video, except this was the cat in the helmet. He made it look effortless and for him it was. As he moved upside down, around the walls of the tunnel, performed rolls, dives and thrust his manhood against the glass, the girls roared with approval. The men were quite impressed as well. He was good, very good.

Eventually our session was over and we reluctantly waved goodbye to the wind tunnel. After another photo session to capture our new windswept looks, we collected our certificates and DVD's, paid for our extras and headed for the bar to relive every moment!

By Steve Clark

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